Solving Conflict

Solving Conflict by Ajahn Brahm The time talk drama means the truth. And at one time I said to you, say I'm a partner and I miss her. And I thought I was saying I can give a dummies talk. This is not a talk for dummies. This is a dummy talker. Talk about the truth. That stuff. Well, something to do with Buddhism. With life. And. So I asked someone rushing in just to get in here. What should I talk about today? And they said, talk about conflict. So it's good enough. Good a subject is any, I suppose. So today's talk will be about conflict and Buddhist attitudes, strategies, ways of looking at the world so that conflict doesn't cause you so much trouble. Problems, suffering, sleepless nights, doesn't stress you out, doesn't cause wars and all this terrible stuff which we tend to do to each other. And the reason why there's so many wars is because there's not enough Buddhists. Yeah. I remember, uh, hearing this is for those of you who know West Australian politics. This is straight from the mouth of the Minister for planning, Alana Tiernan, who told me once that, uh, the former premier, Geoff Gallop, he was really getting into Buddhism. And he knew enough about Buddhism that during cabinet meetings, when they started to have some conflict and argument, the former premier, Geoff Gallop, will bang the table and tell all his cabinet members we should all be more Buddhist about this. So I don't know what it is, but somehow that we got the idea in Buddhism that it's a religion of peace. But can we have a peaceful way of looking at life, which doesn't just ignore the conflicts of the world, of life, of our own existence, but actually deals with those in a reasonable way to solve much of the pain of such conflicts, and to give a way forward to some sort of peace and harmony in the world, at least inside ourselves. But first of all, that we have to say that we need to be realistic about life, that conflicts exist, and that the very fact, the idea of thinking that somehow we could make a world where there are no conflicts is just like a pipe dream. It just does not exist. And that gives me the opportunity to tell today's joke about unrealistic expectations. It's not so much a joke. This is a very interesting story, which doesn't have anything to do with conflicts, but nevertheless, I want to put it in at the beginning, otherwise I might forget it later on. What's the story of this young man? He was of that age. He was looking for a partner in life. So he went searching for the perfect woman to marry. And he went searching. Searching. There's a good ending to this story. So something. It's not a misogynist joke. He was searching for the most perfect woman in the whole of the land. And after many days, weeks of searching, he came across this very beautiful lady, the sort of woman who would grace the covers of the glossy magazines even without makeup. And? And it wasn't. It's, uh, what do you call it? Um. Uh, you know, airbrushing. That's right. Airbrushing. And trouble was, she couldn't cook. So she went away. Not perfect enough. And he looked again for another week, another couple of months. And finally he found an even more beautiful woman. And this time, her cooking was absolutely delicious. Better than getting the best restaurants in Australia. Even better than you getting fish and chip shops. And trouble was, she was not intelligent. Couldn't hold a conversation at all. She was stupid. So that wasn't good enough. And so he looked for another couple of weeks, another couple of months. And finally he found this woman. And she was so beautiful. And she cooking was five star restaurant style. And she was so intelligent. She knew so much and was a great conversationalist, so kind and compassionate. She was a perfect woman, but he could marry her because she was looking for the perfect man. I think I think it all work out. The moral of that story? You're not perfect. So why do you want your husband to be perfect, or your wife to be perfect, or anyone else to be perfect? And so that that gets me into the first part of conflict, which is unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we we think the world should be something different than it can ever be. Many people want the Buddhist society to be different than it can ever be. They want me to be different. They want a new joke every week. I've done pretty well this this week. I don't think you've heard that one before. I'm sure it'll be recycled. But the point is that it's our unrealistic expectations which caused a lot of conflict. Now, one of the great sayings of the Buddha, which came to mind when I thought, what shall I talk about for conflict? He once said, said, I never argue with the world. It is the world that argues with me. And that was a very famous saying of the Buddha. And it's a great thing to, um, ground this talk on conflict, because there the world was always arguing with the Buddha, but the Buddha would never argue back at the world what it was actually saying, that the world is always in conflict with him. But he is never in conflict. Back to the world. It reminded me of a story from the very early years, when the first monks who went to stay in the northeast of Thailand with my master, Ajahn Cha, because it was. You've heard me tell all about the terrible times, how rough it was with mosquitoes, which are so big and so ravenous with food, which was disgusting, with heat, which could hardly endure, with staying up so late at night and getting up early in the morning. It was like worse than Guantanamo Bay. Well, not quite, but it was about roughly up there with it. But anyhow, it was a very difficult, physically very difficult place to stay. And as you can imagine, one of these first monks to go up there was just having such a hard time. No homesick. No food. Was he, like, always having diarrhea, having to endure the mosquitoes and the heat and the language and the culture which was so far into him. And one day I just saw him looking absolutely miserable, just suffering so much. And he came up to him and he said to this monk, now, is Thailand suffering or are you suffering? It was one of those little sayings, those little moments where the monk actually saw what I just saw was pointing to. It wasn't the environment outside of him which was where suffering lied. It was actually what he was doing with it inside. His reaction to the heat, his reaction to the discomfort, his reaction to the lack of good food, his reaction to being a long way from anything which he could relate to. It wasn't. The place itself was suffering light. It was what was going on in his mind. That was a place of suffering. And it's the same with conflict. It's not the world in which conflict lies. It's in the reaction of human beings, which we have to things which happen in this world. We've been having a drought and many times there hasn't. You know, for the last few weeks it's been dry skies, sunny blue days. So many people think, oh, this is wonderful. We can have our ceremonies, we can go out to the beach, we can do all this stuff. But then sometimes if it's dry, I mean, someone has to suffer somewhere. The farmers haven't got any rain. And yesterday was it. Yesterday it had a very heavy rain on the day before and the farmers were happy, but many people were very upset because they got wet going to their cars or whatever else happens. Now the thing is, what is the problem there? Is it the the drought or the rain or what? Where is the conflict and the suffering? Because it's the nature of life that now and again will have droughts, now and again will have rains. And if you look in history, people always say, oh, it's getting worse and worse and worse. And if you look in history, they said 100 years ago, it's getting worse and worse and worse. I read in somewhere recently that there was this, um, scribe, this scholar in ancient Egypt 4000 years ago who was talking about literature. He said all the best phrases, all the best words have all been used up. Now, no one can ever write anything fresh ever again. Now, 4000 years ago, just complaining. Just like people complained today in English departments and schools and other places. And that was 4000 years ago in Egypt. And this is the trouble with human beings. When we don't take a historical perspective, we think, oh, this is a very, very worst time. It's getting worse and worse. It's never been like this, but it has been like this. I know that we were having some years ago, this conversation in our monastery about, oh, just the amount of violence and crime in our modern world. And we had this old bricklayer. He was just about to retire, and he was telling us that when he was an apprentice, a bricklayer, it was in London before the Second World War. And he said, in those days there were many streets in London which were no go areas. The police would never go, not even in twos. And he said one of the first things he was taught on the building site was how to sew razor blades in his flat cap. He was solemn in the peak, he said, because that was his weapon against the police, to slash the police. And that was probably in 1936 or something. So sometimes when we look back, we'd had violent times in the past, and the violence comes and goes. Moments of peace, moments of violence. We come to a sense of understanding about what this world can actually provide for us. So we're not in conflict with the way this world works. But that doesn't mean that we give up trying. So the idea in dealing with conflict, we do our very best to try and lessen the difficulties and pain of life. But we always realize that we will never fully succeed in working on the outside. But we can always fully succeed in our inner lack of conflict with the way this world actually is. In a family. In a relationship. You'll always have. I haven't seen a couple yet who don't argue. So if you think that your particular relationship is dysfunctional because you have arguments from time to time, please know that I've been listening to marriage problems for so many years now. I can tell you with authority, having investigated many marriages, that yours is pretty average when. So don't expect something which from marriage will never give you. Don't expect something out of your husband which he can never give you. As I said to you many times that I know these husbands. They're all the same. So if you think you're going to divorce this one and get another one, it's a waste of money. Just get. You know, maybe it's different packaging for the same engine inside. And those of you who've been married a few times will know the truth of that. So why are you in conflict with the way that these things actually are? Why don't you get to know what's happening and what the world can offer you, what it can give you? Then you won't go like that stupid guy looking for the most perfect girl in the world. And she's looking for the most perfect guy. You never get anyone that way. So the point is here that we understand some of the causes of conflict. First of all, it's not understanding what the world can give. And we are arguing with the world then. Sure the world argues with us because the world is never satisfied. It's never quite good enough. It could always be better. It always promises much more, but never quite gives it. One of the best things which I learned from Buddhism is being realistic. Basically, it was saying that there would be sicknesses, there would be death. You got to accept sicknesses. Don't be in conflict with the sicknesses which arise in your own body. Don't be in conflict with the operations which will have to be performed on your body. Don't be in conflict with the death which happens to you and other people. When we learn how to say that this is the world, sure, it's not nice is arguing with me by giving me these sicknesses. Now, one of the worst things about being a monk is you don't have much control over what you eat. And so sometimes my stomach argues with me. But when it argues with me and you get a stomachache, I always remember, don't argue back with your stomach. It's just a stomachache, that's all. So why make more problems and suffering? When you've already got sort of a bad stomach, you just stop complaining. So the world argues with you, but you don't argue with the world. And this is actually what the Buddha was sort of saying here. The understanding that the root cause of conflict, the one which really hurts us, is a conflict which comes from within when we have some really weird understandings of what the world is and what life is and what it can give us, and we expect it to give something it can never provide us. When we understand the rules of the game, what life can give and what it can't give. We gain a huge amount of peace. There is a statue in a monastery in the south of Thailand. With this aroha, this enlightened being, putting his arms up in the air and exclaiming, Joy at last to know there's no happiness in the world. It was a title of a talk which I gave to the monks. And for those of you who saw the last issue of Enlightened Times newsletter, you saw me putting my arms up in the air. And actually, that was the cause, because I was explaining this particular statue about this statue in the South of Thailand line being put his hands up at last to know there's no happiness in the world. Now, that might sound a little bit of a contradiction, but the meaning of that is when you understand what life can actually give you, what it can give you to know there's no perfect happiness in this world. Joy at last to know there's nothing wrong with me anymore. I'm not some big failure or mistake anymore. I haven't just chosen this terrible husband or this awful wife. They're all the same. This is what happens in life. Joy at last. To know that nothing's gone wrong. With joy at last. Not hurt again. Be in conflict with the world It's a strange thing, but sometimes people say it. Isn't that just, you know, being too passive? Isn't that just. And I'm not trying to do anything in this world, but know that that's part of our duties in this world, as if we try and help people. We go out to serve as best we can, knowing we're going to have to serve again in the morning. It's just like the wives who after every day cook for their husbands. Well, I'd have to cook for you again today. I cook for you yesterday. All night, the child who comes home from school and you tell him to go and take a shower. But I always have to take a shower. Why take a shower? When are you going to get dirty again? Well, like the wife who has to always clean their house. I read this very, very lazy person. I think he got in the Guinness Book of Records for being the laziest person in England. And he found out a very interesting thing that the dust are on your shelf. After three years, it doesn't actually grow any thicker. He did research into this. So why won't you show us anyway? Just leave it for three years and then it's just always the same. But the point is here that even though it's going to get dirty again, even though you're going to have to shower again, even though you've got to cook dinner again, even though you have to say sorry again, they can still argue with you one more time. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't say sorry one more time. It didn't mean you shouldn't wash. It doesn't mean you should try and help, doesn't mean you shouldn't care. It doesn't mean, as your adult, you shouldn't try and give someone an extra three months of life even though they're still going to die. What's the point? They're going to die anyway. That's not understanding what we mean by non conflict here. We understand the ways of the world and we give. Knowing we're not going to get very much back. We give for the sake of giving. We care for the sake of caring. We help for the sake of helping, but not thinking. We're going to save the world and get all these rewards back. Too often when a person starts to contribute to the world, involve themselves in the world, whether they're a teacher, a helper, a doctor, a carer. Too often the problem comes when we expect too much back. Even if we expect to thank you or expect you know, the person we're caring for in the bed to try and get better. Now, sometimes the amount of chanting, which I've done for people, you know, because when people get sick, they come and say, I jump around the monks, no sister, why am I? Can you chant for them? I've been shining for so many people over the many, many years. I spent hours chanting and still they die. But it works in other charity because anyone who doubts about chanting works or not. Please come to my monastery in serpentine. And there you will find a cat who is 21 years of age, human years, and still really fit as kit cat. That's. That's a long time. Apparently, one cat year is equivalent to seven human years. So that's 147 years old. And sometime people wonder how a cat so old and so fit. And the answer is. Because every day it listens to the monks chanting. And that's not proof that charity works. I don't know what it is. But, like, once this, uh, this lady came, a lot of times we get a lot of people ask for chanting, especially young people just before exams. The weeks before tea. There's a logjam of people wanting me to chart for them. And at one time, at one time it was actually me. This was a long time ago. And he said those years when he was a senior, this woman came and asked for some chanting. And that's when my predecessor, a very, very kind, good man, did this great chanting, you know, full effort, mindfulness, really focusing his mind. We never saw her again. But her friends told us what happened because some of her friends were studying at the same university, came and said that this woman, this young girl, I think she was from Malaysia, she was badmouthing all the monks. Those monks at Serpentine Monastery are no good. They are terrible. They are hopeless. Do you know what happened? She failed. And she blamed the monks for not chanting correctly. And of course, that's stupid expectations. China can help you, but it can't. Sort of. If you don't do any studies at all, that's not going to sort of really affect anything that, you know, she was a party girl. I said. Spent all of her time just going to parties, dances, raves. I don't know what they call them, but whatever she was on, she went to and she never did any studies, and she expected the monks to do that part of her education. So that's unrealistic expectations. But nevertheless, we'd always do that. We'd always try. It would always help, even though someone was going to fail to understand why. Because it's for the sake of giving and caring. You do these things not for the sake of getting success, because a success isn't out there in the mind, out there in the world. The success is in your mind. The very fact of caring is actually having the world argues with you, but you are not arguing. Back at the world, most of the conflicts is that conflict which occurs in your mind. That's why even when you meditate, I've been teaching for a long time now. Never have conflict with your meditation. Which many people do, and they if they have a meditator who said, I gotta get peaceful in meditation, I don't want to have these terrible thoughts going on in my mind. I want to be peaceful. I don't want to fall asleep if they're in conflict with what's going on in their mind. They're also fine that when they come out of their meditation, they're getting conflict with their dog, with their cat, with their wife, with their children, with anything. All the conflict comes from being a control freak. We really think that we can change the world and make it different. When you're a young monk, you see you can convert all the Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jews and everybody else to being Buddhist. I've got the right religion. How come you guys can't see? And then you meet the Christians and they say the same when I want to convert. You said no, I was here first. I convert you back. But that's just a stupid thing to be thinking of. But people think that way. We always think that, you know, we've got the right truths, we've got the right message, and we try and convert other people. And you see that even having occurring on committee meetings, you've got the fundamentalists in committees. I've got the right truths, and I'm going to convert everybody else and have these big arguments now, of course. I see the faults in that. When other people have those very, very strong views and create the conflict. But can you see that happening in yourself when you have those strong views and you try and convert other people to being just like you, sometimes you say to your wife, why can't you? Why can't you just be like me? Maybe terrible if they were, but nevertheless, that's what we sometimes try and do. And first of all, one of the great lessons which I learned from Buddhism to see just how relative all your ideas and views truly are. Where did you get your position from? Why do you think the way you sing? Why do you vote for that party in the elections? Why do you follow this religion or this part of this religion? Why do you like my fish and chips? Or why do you like noodles? Or why do you like, you know, whatever you like. When you actually look and see just where our views come from. And these are what is the root cause of conflict. When we stick to those views, we see that so many of our views, our ideas come from our particular type of conditioning, what we've been exposed to in our early life. Some years ago, I gave a talk to my monks about some of my habits. Now, why I tell jokes and the reason why I tell jokes. It is not my fault. Please don't blame me. Nothing to do with me. The whole reason I tell jokes is because of my father. Because you're your father. Could you live with them for such a long time and have a strong influence on you? And he was always a joker, always telling jokes. And that's why I tell jokes. It's not my fault and my father's joke father's fault. And because of that, I can't help saying. But my latest joke, which someone told me is a little bit risque, but I don't care. I'm going to go hiding for the next two months in retreat. All right. This lady went to a shop to buy a parrot. So it's a parrot joke. I could get into a lot of conflict for this, I'm sure. But this story is about. This talk is about conflict, so who cares? He went into a shop to buy a parrot. And in the pet shop, there's only one parrot left for sale. And it was a nice looking parrot. But the owner of the pet shop had to tell the the client. This nice lady. I'm happy to tell you, but this parrot, its former owner, was a madame at a house of ill repute. You know what the one of those is? But it's a very well behaved parrot, so. And actually, I got this joke. This joke was actually told to me. I don't mind telling. I'm just passing the buck by the secretary of the Ethics Institute at Christchurch Grammar School. She is a lady, so don't blame me. Anyway, back to the parrot. So she bought the parrot. Took it home, and as soon as she took the cloth off the parrot's cage, the parrot looked around and said, oh, nice new premises, and looked at this new owner and said, oh, a nice madam as well. Half an hour later, the new owners, two daughters, came home from school, two teenage daughters, and the parallel to them said, oh, nice new girls. And a few minutes later the woman's husband came back and the parrot looked at him and said, oh, hello, Keith. He was busted. Now, the reason a Buddhist monk is telling a story like that on a talking concrete is just an example. That's just because my father conditioned me this way. So I'm completely innocent. But the point. The point is here that my character is conditioned by my upbringing, and so are many of my views. And because of our different upbringings, because of our different ways of looking at life, we will always have those different angles. And the point is that when you think that this is the only angle, that's when we start to have conflict. Which is why that when somebody tells something to you and it makes completely no sense at all. Never think they are wrong. Never go arguing with them and say, you must be stupid. How can you think like that? Instead, it's much better to ask you to listen to what they say and see if you can get a bigger perspective. Instead of using the differences in our communities as causes for conflict. We can use the differences in our community for greater understanding and greater wisdom. I can't help saying this story, but it's a very old one. It's in my book. Many of you heard it before. It's a classic Buddhist story. I go through it quickly because many of you know it. About the Emperor and the elephant's very classic story. The Emperor had ministers in his government always arguing. Some things never change. Ministers, politicians always argue. They're always in conflict. But this particular emperor decided to teach everyone a lesson. He held a big holiday, a big festival. Part of the festival was some show in the arena. The best part of the show? The finale. He brought in this elephant in the center of the arena, and then took seven men who'd been blind since the day they were born into the arena to feel. The elephant took the first man's hand and put it on the elephant's trunk and said, blind man, this is an elephant. Remember, blind men had never seen an elephant before, but they've heard the word. The second blind man on the elephant's ears. The blind man put his hand on the trunk, on the tusks, or another on the head. Another put his hand on the body. The emperor put another blind man's hand on the legs. Another on the tail, said, peel the tail, blind man. This is an elephant. And after allowing each blind man to feel their part of the elephant, then the king, the emperor said, now each of you in turn, please tell me what an elephant is. And so the guy who felt the trunk said, an elephant is a snake. No way, said the guy who felt the ears is a fan, which people use to keep themselves cool. You're an idiot, said the guy who felt the tusks. You can't fang with one of these. It's a plow which the farmers used to dig the earth. You can't dig the earth with this big water pot, which the guy felt the head said, it's not a water pot, it's a rock, said the guy who felt the body. Now you're all wrong. You're all idiots. I'm the only one who knows the truth. It's a tree trunk, said the guy who felt the legs. It's not a tree trunk. You didn't poop. I'm going to say something I shouldn't then. It is a fly risk. And according to the story, they all had this big argument, this big conflict. And that was the object lesson of the Emperor. Why is it we always have this big conflict about who's got the right religion, who's got the right politics, who has got the right ideas in a family? But in my story, which I wrote in the book, I said, what would have happened if those blind men, instead of arguing, had have sat down and listened to each other and combined their experiences. And if they had, they'd have worked out this elephant thing, which I had heard before but never actually seen. An elephant was like a big rock on four tree trunks with a fly whisk on the back. On the front of that rock was a big water pot with two fans on either side, a plow just underneath on either side, and a big snake in the middle. And to a person who would never see an elephant. That would be quite a good description of what an elephant is. Now, can you understand the moral of that story? Instead of arguing when we listen to each other, we can actually get the bigger picture. And when we get the bigger picture, very often we get the solution to conflict. One of the great conflict resolution stories which comes when we listen to the other side, when we embrace the other side, when we empathize with the other side was the old story of the two women arguing over the orange. There was only one orange left in the kitchen and both women wanted it. One said you had it the last time. No, you had it the last time. It's my turn now. It's my turn. Had his big argument and in the end they decided to have a compromise. They'd cut the orange in half and had half each, and one of the woman got her half of the orange, peeled it, threw away the peel, and ate her half of the orange. The other woman peeled hers, threw away the flesh, and kept the peel to make the cake, which was the only thing she wanted the orange for. If they'd only talked and say why they wanted an orange. Then one woman would have had a whole orange of flesh, and the other orange woman would have the whole peel to make her cake with. And that's a beautiful story because so much in conflict, we're really forgetting what we really want. Why are we arguing? And so often the arguments are just, you know, these superficial things. We never really get into the heart of it. What do you really want? Who Israelis and Palestinians want. Who really want sort of. Who else is in conflict right now? You know, the Islamic fundamentalists and maybe Mr. Bush. Unless you can really find out what you want. Very often there's solutions which we can actually actually get. Sometimes we find what we want. We just can't get it. It's impossible. Then what's the point of conflict? Well, we know that we're fighting for something we can never get. Both sides will give up. It's impossible. But a lot of times conflict comes fighting over or we don't really know what we want. It's too much. Fighting comes from delusion. That's why a little bit of meditation, a little bit of awareness, a little bit of opening the mind for what you really want. And if you can find that you're going to really be happy. Is that what you really want? Half of meditation, half enlightenment is finding out what you want. A lot of times people go through their whole life searching for what they want and never really finding out what it is they want. Start off in life. You know you want to have a nice girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. It's not what I really want. Get married. Looks pretty close to what you want. And that's not what you're what I really want. Then maybe become rich and famous. That's not really what I want. And after you become rich and famous and be married. And many people want to become a monk or a nun, then if I become a monk or none, that's not what I want. So often the people that are searching for these things, what I want. I used to call this like a person who was searching for the. Tortoise with a moustache. Had a great turn of phrase, my teacher. And they searched the whole world for a tortoise with a moustache. Have you ever seen a tortoise with a moustache? I haven't, they don't exist. But people still search for that. Are you still searching for the tortoise with the moustache? The perfect partner in life. The perfect job. The deepest meditation. The greatest insight. What are you really searching for? And a lot of time you find. Yep. That's me. I'm searching for turtle, the mustache. Something which doesn't really exist. So one of the great ways of overcoming conflict is actually knowing what you want. What do you really want in life? A lot of times, though, we have to go on the date of our experience we've experienced before until we actually find what we want are the greatest experiences of human beings, is when they come to a place of contentment. There is no conflict anymore. There are peace with themselves in the whole world. It's a great thing in meditation because it takes you to that place of peace where you're at one not fighting anymore, just perfectly happy in this moment, not wanting for anything less at that time. As that experience, you realize what you always wanted. That peace, that contentment, that fulfillment. And for human beings, we search for it everywhere else except for right where we are. We search for it in material things. We search for it in achievements. We search for it in the praise of other people. We sometimes even search for it in the love of family, which is also ephemeral. Sometimes there, sometimes it disappears. We never search for it inside of ourselves, inside of the moment, inside of whatever we're experiencing. Even you can find it in the middle of cancers, in the middle of a divorce, in the middle of your death, sometimes in the most unexpected places, you can find that contentment because it's always right there in the middle of the moment. It's when we find out what we really want. We can understand how conflict ends. Otherwise, there will always be conflict. I've often noticed that this path of meditation, which I've been teaching here for years, is always a very passive path. When I tell you to let go, to do nothing, to embrace the moment, to make peace, just to be and not to fight. And so often that people say, surely that that's just being lazy. But no, actually that's the path which leads to the inner contentment and fulfillment. Because those people who are controllers and doers. One of the basic rules of nature, which I have learned, the more that you will, the more you try and exert control over this world. Sooner or later, you will always come up against conflict. It's the conflict between what you want. And what the world can give you. You realize that actually nature is much more powerful than you are. Those people have strong willpower. Eventually made the wall of frustration. They may achieve many, many successes, and those successes which they achieve only just reinforces the delusion that they're in control. And if they work hard enough, if they're smart enough, if they're determined enough, then they can push through and they can get to their car. But that just means they set higher goals, more goals, and eventually everyone sets a goal too far. And that's where we come in to conflict. Conflict with what the world can truly offer us. Conflict with nature. Those people who don't break through that delusion of what house week your willpower truly is, and how little it can give you, will eventually come up to that wall of frustration. I know the next thing which happens after frustration is anger. Sometimes their anger is not so much against another war which you come up against, but it's against yourself because people feel like they're failures. But they didn't manage it, they didn't manage to push through. And because their willpower has been successful so long, they think it's a weakness of themselves. This is actually where we start to get depression. Often notice that people who have depression, but people who are beginners, control freaks who are usually very successful and they don't break through the delusion of how much they can achieve and do in life. They don't know their limitations or rather limitations of life. They don't learn just how to just make peace with their life to give, not expecting anything back in return. And about this beautiful contentment. This is good enough. But how much do you really want? Sometimes you look at the simple thing like a monastery. We're always building something. But how much do you really want? Is a story which, uh, was in a comic magazine. He got a lot of wisdom in comics. I really recommend them. There's this story of this nun, a Buddhist nun. I think she was supposed to be living in Sri Lanka. And she was just this very good nun living in a cave. Very simple. Going on alms around every morning, hardly any possessions whatsoever. But one day, when she got up in the morning, she meditated and she noticed her mouse had actually bitten some holes in her robe. And so she thought, I'd better get some Rs for small few patches and some, uh, was it thread to sew up the holes? So next time, when she was on arms round her, she asked one of her supporters, you know, can I have a bit of rag and some thread to sew up the holes in my robe and rice has been eating them. And so she patched up the road for the next day. The mouse bit another hole in the rope. The next day another. And so she thought, what a waste of time. Just always asking for thread and pieces of cloth to patch up my robe. You know what I really need is a cat and that will chase all the mice away. I won't eat. Well, sometimes they eat the mice. But that's the mice. Whose fault is it? Their karma. But the mice would actually keep the the right mouse. So the next day, when she was on arms round, she saw one of her supporters who was always asking what he wants. Can I have a cat? And of course, there's always a few spare cats in the village so they can have this little kitten which has been brought. So now she had a kitten in her cave. But of course, no kittens. Don't you know usually. Or cats don't eat sort of human food, you know, sort of fussy cats are. So the cat was getting more and more thin. And so the Nana thought, oh, I've got to get some milk for the cat. So the next time she was on arms round, she asked for some milk for one of her supporters, and they're very happy to give her some milk. But the cat needed milk every day, and she was always asking for a bowl of milk, a bowl of milk. And so she thought, well, you know, if I had a cow that I wouldn't need to keep asking for milk. So the next time she went on arms round, she asked one of her supporters, can I have a cow? So, you know, they're very faithful, like, you know all you are. And if any of the monks and nuns asked for something, you know, say, oh, yeah, please. So then I got a cow so she could milk the cow and give the milk to the cat, and the cat could keep the mice away, so she didn't need to patch her ropes. But, you know, cows after we as well. So every day when she was on our arms round, she was now asking for the big sheaf of hay or dried grass to feed her cow. And that was very heavy to carry all the time. So after a while, solution as she realised, well, you know that instead of asking for hay every day, maybe I can have a field. So she asked one of her wealthy supporters, if you don't mind. No. Can I have a field? And they were so generous. I thought it was great. Good karma. So they gave her a field. And then this poor nun. So she had a feel, but she also needed, like a psycho, actually, to, um, cut the grass. And she was so busy, like, you know, sowing the grass, cutting the grass, taking it back, you know, to feed the cow. So she'd get milk to feed the cat so she could chase away the rice. So she would. Have these holes in the rope. She thought, you know, what I really need is actually like a boy to look after the cow so I can meditate. So the next time we did that, I went to bed. Is she asked her boy to look after the cows. Said, oh, yeah, you know, he's this little kid. And it's nice that he associates with a good man like you. You can learn a lot. And so he had the boy. And of course, now the boy was very naughty and always needed to be taught things. And, you know, he couldn't live in a cave, not with a nun. So he had to build a separate hut for the the boy. So next time she went into the village and arms around, she said, I need, I need some wood, some planks and stuff to build a little room for my boy. And this all started because she had a hole in her world. And this is a great story, which I always keep in mind. And we say, how much do we really want? She started off as a nice, simple nun, and now she had a whole village and a farm. And you can see every step of the journey we justify. We give a reason for it. And sometimes in the end when we look at our life, we look, wow, what have I got? This big mansion in which I live and this big car and all these possessions, and you start it off just like that poor man, just with a little hole in the road. And this is all in that. So what do you really want? And the thing is, the more you want, the more conflict you have. That's why the Buddha never argue with the world. Would argue with him. Could he need anything? I guess sometimes that people I don't like, you know, people arguing with them. But that's part of the world too. There's sometimes people argue with me and sometimes they send me letters. They get upset about something I said, and I'm trying to figure out, what did I say? And I say so much that sooner or later someone's got to find something which they can argue with, but I expect that that's part of life, too. Part of life is expecting people to be upset at you, to criticize you. And when I accept that I'm not in conflict, when people criticize me, well, they tell me I've made a mistake or done something wrong. I said, oh yeah, sure enough, I made a mistake. And sometimes that is really sort of undermines a person because when they're telling you off, they want to get a rise out of you. They won't get you angry. And they said, oh, you told me that was a terrible joke about the parrot. You shouldn't say things like that. Houses of worship. You shouldn't even know what that word means. I said, oh, yeah, okay. I mean, actually, you don't get upset back. That really spoils all their fun. But whatever what it does, it diffuses the conflict. When people try and accuse you of something you've done wrong. Maybe in the office or at home, you say, oh, yeah, I did that. Sorry isn't a wonderful way of defusing an argument. And often I've done that as a monk just said, oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I'll try better next time. That simple act of forgiveness and humility. It's a beautiful gesture in this world because too often we really don't say this out of ego. We think that if we say sorry, we're a lesser human being. But in all religions, in spiritual paths, in wise traditions, the one who says sorry is the higher, which is one of the reasons I say in any argument you have in your family, the one who says sorry first is the winner. So you should rush to be the first to say sorry. You get much more good karma in being the first. It should be a competition. I got there first. I said sorry first. So don't wait for someone else to say sorry. You do it first. If you do something like that, you actually defusing so much conflict? What are you actually saying? I am a human being, I make mistakes, this is what happens. And if people still abuse you, you say, well, that's life. You don't expect something which life can never give you. Even people abuse the Buddha. And they called him names. So what can you expect? There you go. There's always someone who leaves their mobile phones on. But I will not get angry at you because I know that will always happen. This nature. I'm not in conflict. But you've got so many people in this room, someone is going to make a mistake. Just like I make mistakes. So that way it's not the world. The world may argue at you, but you never argue. Back at the were too often a mobile phone rings when you're meditating and you argue back at the mobile phone. What a stupid thing to do, because a mobile phone only lasts for a few seconds. But the arguments in your mind, they last sometimes all night and you can't go to sleep. Now, do you understand where conflict comes from? Somebody might say something or do something which you disagree with. Welcome to the world. People always do this, but you don't need to argue back if you can do something about it. Try. You may not succeed, but give it a go. If you can't, you leave it alone. And that way, you never in conflict with anything in this world. You're happy at last to know there's no joy in the world. In other words, the world isn't perfect. You don't expect it to be perfect. We muddle along and we get somewhere in the end. A little Buddha society. It's amazing just how far we've muddled over the years. That's why that's what we call it in Buddhism. What's the main teaching of Buddhism? The muddle way. I don't think that went down very well. I get a lot of criticism. But you know what I mean. We get by and we have fun on the way, and that way we're not going to get in conflict in the world. So it's not the world which is the problem. It's our reaction to the world. And you know that it's good to try and change the world, but you're not going to succeed. But it's still good to try and make it a little bit better. But where you can really be effective is actually changing one's attitude to the world. It's like a little school. You make mistakes. Everyone has to make mistakes. I've told many people in the last couple of weeks, if you didn't like, if a kid never made a mistake in class, would mean the teacher wasn't actually, uh. Pitching the lesson at the appropriate level is making it too easy. The school teacher would pitch the lesson at a level so many of the kids would make mistakes, but they also get many correct answers as well, because that would mean it would be testing out the children just at the right level. So a few of them make mistakes. Many of them get the right answers. It was too easy. It would be a bad teacher. Now, do you understand why we make mistakes in this life? Because the lesson is just pitch, right? So we make many mistakes, but we also make many successes as well. We realize that successes is part of the lessons of life, as is failures. So we're not in conflict with the failures of life, with our own failures and other people's failures. We look at it as as part of this whole journey, which we call the journey of life into wisdom, into finding out what we really want and finding out how to reach that inner peace. And if you can change one's attitude to life and get deep into the meaning of life and find that inner peace what you always wanted, were you always searching for that deep contentment, that peace, the stillness inside which you can taste in meditation? Then you're never again in conflict with the world. You call this inner peace. The world is out there. You try as best you can to help and to serve. Never think you can do more than the world can actually provide. At the same time, you have ended all conflict. So that's a little talk this evening on conflict and the end of conflict, with a few jokes in as well. Okay. Has anyone got any questions, comments or complaints about my talk this evening on conflicts and a few other bits and pieces rolled in? Yes, sir. 31. There must be more than that. So you do. That. And. Die out by doing that. Okay. Two. And then, uh. And then. Good. Okay. That's a very good point here. This is for the camera and for the the tape. Uh, your mother just had a 31 year old cat. Uh, just recently took it to the vet to be killed. And as she has a conflict, she felt it was the right thing to do. But she's still in conflict with that. You know, one of the reasons for that conflict is instead of believing our heart, we believe in the rules which someone else sets, or whether it's our religion, our precepts, or what it says in some book. And too often, when what we see in some book, whether it's even a Buddhist book, even what a monk says, that should always be only used as a guideline. The words should never be taken more seriously or more importantly, than what a person feels in their heart. Those words we have, like a precept and the precept is to refrain from killing any living being. And as I mentioned here a few weeks ago, that doesn't say thou shalt not. It means refrain. Most of the time you say, no red lights. Red traffic lights mean you have to stop. But not always. Emergencies, you go through them. Only very carefully to go through those red traffic lights. And it's only if it really is important. So a lot of times people believe what other people say, what the book says, what the belief system says. Whereas in Buddhism we should always challenge that and look within all the theories or the dogmas or the teachings are just guidelines. Helps to get to that place inside of your heart, where you can find out what the truth is. The compassionate right decision is, which is why I've given this general advice for a long time. I get into conflict with people. People say, no, actually, you shouldn't say this, but I keep on saying this. In such a situation, you've got a dog or a cat. Who is that old? Ask the cat. See what the cat wants to do, what Douglas wanted to do. And your your mother did that. You just told me that Douglas had enough. And so it's Douglas, his choice. Other people lose. Another considers for a long time is another lady who said she had a cat. And it was just. It was dying. It couldn't walk. The vet sort of wanted to put it down, and she asked the cat and she got the answer no. And the cat recovered. Amazing miracle. And is now sort of walking around having a great time. So it's really strange. Like human beings, sometimes you just don't know what's going to happen next. Even the most, uh, aware vet or doctor just sometimes makes mistakes. You can't. You can't really tell, but you ask the cat. Ask the dog. If you live with that cat for 31 years and you ask a question, you'll know straight away what the answer is. And that's the one you should believe more than anything else. It's the cat's call. The cat made the call. That should be the end of the matter. So don't have conflict with what you know in your heart. Sometimes that people believe what's outside of their heart. What other people say, what the book says. It's more important to believe what your heart says. That's always more trustworthy. As we get lots of wars when people believe books, many religions, they bash each other on their head with their books. You see some of the size of the books. Oh. Does that answer your question, sir? Okay, hopefully she won't have any conflict anymore. Related. Like what you would like in. Are you going to open. That is the thing contained in England. Have you got any sort of. It's not so much a conflict. It's like a decision to be made and it's competing interests. So you put everything in a balance sewing on one side, something on the other side, and then just wait. This is the decision making process. To make sure you have as much information as possible. Put it all in your brain. Leave it alone for a while. You know, because the cake has to be put in the oven before it actually bakes. And stop opening up the oven to see if it's baked yet. Leave it in the brain for a while, and when it's baked, when the idea comes out. And if you wait long enough, it's not half baked. It comes out and it's like, you know, it's the right decision. And well, basically we'll say, right, this is the wrong decision. Sometimes you make a decision and it's not really right or wrong. It's just alternatives. You know, some decisions lead in one direction. Another decision leads in another direction. You can always make use of both in your life. So now I make many decisions being an adult or spiritual director. But I don't really worry about those decisions so much because whatever way it goes, I'll be able to do something about that, make use of that. We just were having a meeting about our retreat center just a few minutes ago before the, um, the session here, the retreat center we're building, whether we should have, uh, cork tiles on the floor or carpets or other tiles on the floor or what's the other thing, this floating wood business or whatever it is. But you know, if I don't get my own way, I'll still be okay. So it's no big deal. So make a decision. Whatever decision we we end up with, we go with that. So there's no such thing as a wrong decision in life. It just one leads to the left. One leads to the right. Both are okay. If you make a decision, you end up in jail. It's okay. Go to jail. Nice retreat time. So you make decisions and you live with it. And you can always make something out of it. So the conflict is less than this. Now I have to do this. It's not life and death anymore. Even if it's life and death. We believe in reincarnation. There's no such thing about life and death anymore. So it's not a big deal anymore. Are you cool about things? And it's not big conflict. You make a decision. Whatever happens, it'll be okay. Should I get married? Should I not get married? Oh. Whatever happens, it's okay. Okay. What will he do? I want that, uncle. He ain't worth the all right. Haha, yeah, but there's an old saying about the middle way. It's one of my jokes about the middle way. He who walks a middle path gets hit by traffic coming in both directions. The third thing can be yourself. It's a one line. That's a great. Yeah, but yeah, I mean. Correct. You got to find what everybody really wants and to see, you know, whether that's possible. If it's not possible, you just have to let it go. You're not in conflict with conflict. So you just let it be. But if there is a solution, then you give everything you've got. Okay. If you get someone like that coming along and it's trying to. Well, you know that. Well, you know what happened. Uh, this is the story in my book. There was this was the Six Day War in 1966 or 7 or something. Whatever it was anyway. And at that time there was the former prime minister of UK, Harold Macmillan. I think he'd already left the prime ministership, but he was like an elder statesman. And in the middle of the Six-Day War, when the Israeli army was fighting the Egyptians, the Syrians, the Lebanese, the Jordanians and goodness knows who else. They asked me, what do you think about the problem in the Middle East? And without hesitation he said, there is no problem in the Middle East. And the reporter said, what do you mean, no problem in the Middle East. There's a war going on. People are dying. They're getting wounded. Things are being blown up by the tanks. What do you mean? There's no problem in the Middle East? And he gave this reply, which was so profound. He said, sir, a problem is something with a solution. There's no solution in the Middle East. Therefore, it can't be a problem. Now, that was actually very, very wise coming from a person who was at the coalface of such international disputes at the time, he couldn't see a solution at all. So you have to put it on the back burner and do other things where he could make a difference. If there is a solution comes, then you give everything you got. Then it is a problem. When there is a solution, there is no solution. Is it a problem? Well, it just will get reincarnated again. So keep it in perspective. Hi, Kathy, I've had enough for today. It looks like they don't want you to leave Edinburgh. I have 100 more questions. Okay, so thank you for listening. Now, over to our pretty. Are some some Buddha, by the way. We are back a one time happy one day. So I got to go to the mall. The mall never saw me. So party parties are going to sound like a song. Go! Son of a mommy.