How To Deal With Criticism

How To Deal With Criticism by Ajahn Brahm Now we finish some tests. Here's the time to give this evening's done. My talk. And again, because I haven't got a clue what I'm going to speak. But when I come here, just after coming here, I went to the toilet, the source of many an inspiration. And then I thought, I know what I'm going to talk about this evening, and it's going to be like, how to deal with criticism, because each one of us, from time to time gets criticized, blasted, torn apart, fragmented just by the harsh words of another person. They may not be harsh words, even simple words. And sometimes we get criticized. Then why is it that too often we don't know how to deal with criticism? And because of that, not only do we encourage more criticism in the world, but also we suffer immensely. Sometimes it words can be so biting and they can hurt us so deeply. And because the whole point of Buddhism is to lessen the suffering in the world, and by suffering in a world, I mean suffering within you, because the suffering doesn't live in the bricks or in the trees or in the the animals. They live in you. So here we're lessening the suffering of humankind by having some wise attitudes drawn from the history and the philosophy of Buddhism, drawn from the wisdom which comes from a peaceful mind on how to deal with criticism in life. And the reason this came up, because some of you hopefully might have seen on Wednesday I had a letter to the West Australian printed in the newspaper, because there's an article about a week ago about the Dalai Lama, um, criticising gay lifestyles, even saying things like this, reported to have said that if you're a gay, you can't be a Buddhist. I thought, that's wrong. He can't say that. So I wrote a nice little article, a quite a hard article to write, a hard article, otherwise it doesn't get printed. If you're also soft and nice that nobody wants to publish that. So was it, you know, a bit of a cutting article, but I still got a bit of flak from that on the internet. But it said that, you know, how do we deal with criticism? Are we supposed to be? Especially in Buddhism, just so respectful of your monks and teachers. You don't even criticise them at all. And you can see the danger in that when we have what we call in religion, the guru tradition, where the guru is so high that whatever they do, whatever they say must be right, and you didn't criticize them at all. And you can see the great danger in that. So, which is why I say that if there's any criticisms you have about this Buddhist society, go and tell them to the president. You can leave me alone. But that's what he's there for. Now you can come and tell me as well. But at least you know if I am worth anything as a teacher. It's not just what you say, but what you do and how you react. And sometimes criticism. Criticism is a great way of finding how enlightened you are or how enlightened you aren't. Which is more to the point, which is why it is always been sort of our tradition. If somebody ever claims to be enlightened, we always try and criticize it. Well, you, you stupid idiot, you can't be enlightened. We try on purpose to make them angry. And if we get them angry, say, hey, you're not enlightened. There we go. We do that out of compassion. But. But the point is, why is it when you receive criticism, what actually happens to your mind? And why does it suffer so much? There's many reasons there. But first of all, it needs to understand that where criticism comes from, much of criticism in our world, it's not what we usually call constructive criticism. It's not really trying to make things better, but it's used as a weapon to hurt somebody. And we all know that type of criticism. Now they don't know what they're talking about, but nevertheless, they sort of put you down, call your stupid names, sort of describe something which you've done, which was actually quite good as being absolutely ridiculous and stupid. They criticize you, put you down, blame you for things you haven't done. Why do they do that? It is quite clear to me now, having had a little bit of mindfulness. Mindfulness is when you investigate the nature of reality, you don't just react, you see what's going on and why is that happening? You investigate. That's one of the parts of mindfulness. It was quite clear to me that the reason why many people criticise you is because they want to upset you. They want to hurt you psychologically or emotionally. That's why people call you you stupid idiot or you lazy monk. You're good for nothing. Brown robe and bludger. Go and get a proper job. I remember one of the great criticisms I once saw when I was walking, when I was only a young monk, when I was walking with this very senior monk of our tradition, agents who matter. And he must have been in his like mid 40s or early 50s at this time. And we're walking this North English town and somebody came up to us, this gentleman, on his way to work in a nice suit. And he left me alone because I was still a very young monk. But he came out to this monk against the matter, looked him up and down, and said, you are old enough to know better. It's a great putdown. So when people criticize you, what they're doing that for, obviously you're challenging them that lifestyle because you're a monk. Someone has given up the world. And obviously I just have made I wasn't doing this like as a young person, just going through a fad. It was obviously there for a long time as a mature individual, but still you get criticism. And why do people get that? It's either stupidity from their part, but a lot of times the reason why people criticize others is nothing to do with what you're doing. It's not your behavior, your actions, the way you look. It's the cause of the criticism. People criticize others because they are having a hard time. A lot of criticism comes from the suffering in the heart of the one from whose mouth those words come. I've seen that so often that people who have had a difficult time, who are stressed out, who are lonely, who haven't got much meaning in their life, who are suffering either physically or mentally. They are the ones who criticize the most. It's as if that they feel pain and they don't want anybody else to feel happy. It's a strange thing, but it's a response of many human beings in this world. If I hurt, I want other people to hurt. And so they think, if I'm in a bad mood, you kick the dog. Poor dog. What is a dog done? But nevertheless, in your bad mood, this is what we do. So first of all, when you are the part of criticism, realize where it's coming from. That other person is suffering. Suffering probably much more than you. So if somebody comes and sneers at you and calls you a stupid idiot, don't give them a hug. So you poor thing. Oh, you must really have had a hard day today. Especially if that's your wife or husband. Maybe there's a person on the street I wouldn't recommend that precedes you. But if. If it's someone who you love, who's care for who you live with, a lot of times that criticism is not anything to do with you, but it's expressing in a strange way how they feel. The saying that I feel terrible, something happened to me today, I feel bad. Please understand, because why is it that we usually criticize those people we love the most? Why are we taking it out, as they say, on a people who we live with, who we care for? Really, it's because deep down, we hope that at least they will understand that our words have nothing to do with our partner. They're mostly concerned with how we feel. So when we do receive criticism, realize that person must be in a terrible state of mind to say such terrible words. They must be really suffering. Because if you are happy, if you are at peace, you find you can't criticize anybody. Hey, if you are having a good time, if you have just fallen in love or won the lottery or your football team is winning, then you can't criticize anybody. But if your football team loses a whole world, you blast everybody. This is the nature of the mine. So first of all, I understand where criticism comes from and that doesn't make it personal. The reason why the criticism hurts us as individuals is because when somebody says we're stupid or we're ugly, we take it personally. If anyone says that you are ugly, you should ask them what part of me? My feet, my hands. If I say your face, that's only a portion of me. You haven't seen the rest of me yet. So? So why take it personally? And anyway, that's not really you. You can always get a facelift. It's amazing what you can do these days. You don't have to always be ugly. And anyway, in Buddhism we have this wonderful saying the beauty in Buddhism has nothing to do with the finest of your features. Beauty in Buddhism is your virtue, your goodness, your kindness, your compassion. That's what we call beauty in Buddhism. So you don't have to spend a lot of money to become beautiful in our tradition. All you need to do is come here on a Friday night. This is why we call this Ajahn Brahms beauty parlor. And is something true in that? Because when you become a kind, good person, and when you were laughing, then it was wonderful to look at you. When you're laughing, you actually do become more beautiful, more attractive people. Isn't it the case when a person is happy and good? We like to be with them. We like to look with them. We'd like to speak with them. We like to go out with them. Goodness, virtue, kindness, compassion. That is something which really does make you beautiful. So that's true. This is where beauty comes from. But anyway, that's a trend. Uh, just going off on a tangent. If somebody does call you ugly or does call you stupid. The reason why we do get upset, the reason why it hurts us, is because we think they may be right. Absolutely. And we sometimes we haven't got a clue who we are or what we're doing or why we did it. Sometimes we're so busy or so unaware of our actions, or why we do these things that we're not quite sure what we did or why we did it. And sometimes we say what other people to be say as the truth be believed. And we think, yeah, I must be ugly. That's why people, if they call you ugly, you go back to your room when you look in the mirror and see where is it ugly. You actually believe them? I think yes. Someone calls you stupid and you believe them again. That is one of the main reasons why people get upset at criticism. Can you take other people's words and give them too much validity and too much value? First of all, we should use our reason. How can anybody really understand what you did and why you did it? People can't judge you if you look deeply. Some of the things reasons I say things, the mistakes which I make. So the stupid things which I say sometimes. Why did I say those things suddenly just. You're tired. Are you in a bad mood or you're sick? One of these months I grew up with. He had a bad temper, and I found out afterwards when he revealed to me just. He had his terrible migraines. And sometimes when I found out how terrible the migraines were, I thought, my goodness, if I was suffering that pain, I'd have been grumpy as well. So sometimes when someone is critical of you, maybe it's not you. It's because where they're coming from. So don't believe what they say. The standard teaching in Buddhism was summed up by my teacher Ajinkya, who had this knack of saying these one liners, which many of you have heard before, but it fits into this talk now. He said these one liners, which made it so easy to remember and which made it very helpful to keep in mind in your daily life. He said, if someone ever calls you a dog, which in that part of Thailand where I grew up was something we call fighting language. If you call someone a dog. The bad word for dog like a cur or a mongrel, someone called you a mongrel. They would always start a fight and said, if anyone calls you a dog, he said, this is what you should do. Look at your bottom to see if you have a tail and if you haven't got a tail, you're not a dog. End of problem. Now that's a wonderful saying and it's very practical and helpful. Sometimes you can go to sort of talks and get all this theory, which sounds just so profound, but which is completely useless in your daily life. Now, that's the piece of wisdom which you'll find incredibly useful in your daily life. When anyone calls you a dog. Please look at your bottom. Have you got a tail or not? The meaning of that is if they criticise you, you don't just deny it and say, no, it didn't do it. It's not me. Have a look. First of all, do you deserve that criticism? Are you doing something wrong? Are you being a lazy muck? And if you are, be honest about it. There is nothing wrong about making mistakes in life. Mistakes are allowed. That's how we learn as part of life. Let yourself make mistakes and please let the people you live with make mistakes as well. Because signing by making those mistakes can we grow and learn. And part of the idea of compassion and love is to be open enough, to be gentle enough to allow other people to make mistakes. To be able to forgive them. To love them not because they're perfect, but love them because they're growing to perfection. They haven't reached there yet, but we're there to be with them. Help them along as they grow, and we understand that they're there for us as well, to help us grow, to learn from the mistakes we make in life. A true loving relationship gives that freedom, not the freedom to be perfect. That's putting you in a prison for the freedom to be yourself, to make mistakes and to grow. So if anyone does call you a dog, you've been behaving like a dog. Except that would go woof, woof. Thank you very much. Yes, you were right. The point is that there you can accept that criticism. You can learn from it. And of course, that's the start of growth. One book I read a long time ago was the story of one man's emergence from mental illness. And the point of this story, the point which I remembered and which meant the most to me, was this fellow. He'd been committed into a home for the mentally ill, and throughout the whole time he was in this hospital, he thought that he was okay. There was some mistake made that he didn't deserve to be here, that he was perfectly sane. He thought all the other people were mad for, not him. And so one day his best friend confronted him and told him, you're mad. You're crazy. And because he was his best friend, someone he'd grown up with and trusted for once, he actually took that criticism on board. He thought, maybe I am mad. Maybe my best friend's right. And that was the pivot point in his recovery from mental illness. From that time on, once he recognized the problem, his healing was assured and he wrote a book about his path out of mental illness into a full and probably no wiser than most persons life. But the point was, he accepted a criticism which was very, very hard to bear. The reason why we don't accept such criticism when it is true, it's because we've got such big egos. We've got our idea, our illusion of who we are, and that is what resists us being held by other people. One of the reasons why, in religions like Buddhism, we try enormous methods, spiritual practices like meditation. So letting go of this ego, this sense of self and lessening it, allowing ourselves to be imperfect, allowing ourselves just to be who we are, allowing ourselves to change, to love ourselves as we are. As I say in that book, to open the door of your heart to yourself, no matter who you are, no matter what you've done. This idea of actually not compressing the self into some ideal image, but letting it be more fluid and imperfect, more human, if you like, because that lessens a sense of ego and self which will resist like an impregnable castle. Any advice and criticism from others? It's all right to listen to others. You don't have to be perfect. And the wonderful people, the humble people, the beautiful people are those that can listen to the criticism of others, see if it's deserving, and then if it is to take it on board and grow from it. We can learn, we can become better people. But a lot of times the criticism has got no ground at all. Very often that people try and measure you, but they can't. As I said, most of the criticism comes from other people's problems, not yours. And that's the time when my trust has to, as I say, shrug it off and not worry about it. There is an old story which I haven't told for about six months, so it's time to recycle it again now. And there's a lovely story of the donkey in the well story. I think I told this last time that Katrina ceremony in Virginia. So it's been a while now. So beautiful story of how to deal with unfair criticism in life. Long time ago, a donkey was walking quite contentedly through the forest when absentmindedly he fell into a well. He didn't injure himself. He was dry at the bottom. But a donkey can't climb out of wealth. So there he was at the bottom of the well, wondering how on earth he can get out and escape. So he started so shouting in the way donkeys do that, making a noise, hoping that someone would hear him and rescue him. Soon someone came. It was the local farmer, and when he looked down into the well and saw the donkey in the bottom, he thought, that old donkey has always been eating. My grass is never any use for anything. He's so stubborn. Now is in the bottom of why should I help him? Actually, I've got a good idea. I've always wanted to get rid of that noise. That noisy, that terrible, that lazy donkey. And I've also wanted to fill that well in. Why don't I fill the well in with the donkey and the bottom? And so this very cruel and heartless farmer started, got a shovel and started shoveling dirt into this well on top of the donkey with the aim of burying the donkey alive. Now that donkey didn't know what was happening when all this earth was shoveled on top of him. But he soon figured it out he was being buried alive, so his screams got even louder. But after a while, he became quiet. The farmer thought, ah, the earth must be now above his head. That's why he shut up the stupid donkey! I've killed him at last! And he carried on shoveling. But that's not what was happening. Because the farmer couldn't see down the bottom of the well. What had happened after many shovels of earth had been put all over the donkey. The donkey got some insight for this wisdom. He understood what needed to be done. The next time a shovel load of dirt was thrown on top of him, he just shrugged it off, trod it in under his feet, and he found himself one centimeter higher. Another summer full of. Shrug it off. Shred it in another centimetre. Closer to the top. Every shovelful of earth. Shrug it off. Shred it in and closer to the top. And of course, being in the world, a father couldn't see this. And so the farmer was really lucky. He would have seen the top of a pair of ears appear above the rim of the well. And even then the hole ears. But for the farmer noticed the donkey was close enough to the top. He could jump out. And according to the story. He bit the farmer in the in the backside and ran away. He'd escaped. And the moral of that story, as I hope you know, that sometimes criticism is like having a lot of dirt and other rotten stuff thrown on top of us unfairly. And instead of allowing the criticism of others in life to bury us in gloom and anger and and upset, instead we should just shrug it off. Tread it in how we get higher and higher and higher. That's that's how we deal with the criticism of life. Remember? Shrug it off. Trade it in and you become higher. Your glory. So we don't allow it to actually upset us or bury us. Because when you start to think about it, much criticism is people aim is to try and upset us. Why do we allow other people to control our happiness? We have a an idea. We have a tradition of individuality in our Western world of like a freedom of ourselves to do and think what we want. And I employ that here, this independence of spirit which is celebrated in Western cultures. And I say, why allow anybody else to control your happiness, especially with criticism. And that saying is one thing which I allow to run my life. If someone says the most rotten words about me, I am not going to allow that to spoil my day. Why should I allow them to make me unhappy? Why should I allow my husband to upset me? Why? To allow my wife to spoil my day. Why should I allow my boss to disturb my work? If I called him be lazy or stupid or an idiot or whatever. It's amazing that when you don't allow other people to control your happiness, you can take the criticism. Look at it. Do I deserve it? Do I not deserve it? Let it go. Learn from it. But you don't become unhappy as a result if they've got it right. Oh, thank you so much. You pointed out a mistake in my my character. If they got it wrong, you got it wrong. End of story. That way, when you don't allow other people to control your happiness, what happens is that people don't criticize you in the same old ways. It's like criticizing a rock. It's like shouting at a mountain. When people see that, they get very inspired. One of my friends who was a monk with me when I was young, and he was actually one of the first monks of our monastery in serpentine many years ago. He disrobed and now lives in Melbourne somewhere. I remember asking him, why did you first become a Buddhist? What inspired you with these teachings? He told me the following story that many, many years ago must be about 25 or 30 years ago. He went to a public talk in a thing, was in a library auditorium somewhere in Melbourne. It was a Buddhist talk by this, this monk, the Tibetan monk, I think it was this Tibetan monk was introduced and he started to speak just like I'm speaking now. But when he started to speak, someone in the back stood up and called him an evil, a disciple of Satan. It was a born again Christian who had come to witness to this monk's evil ways. And when the people in the audience, they were patient for five minutes, I said, please sit down and be quiet. We've come to listen to the monk, not you that just encouraged this man even more. And he started ranting and raving about his religion and how evil this monk was, and that made people in the audience angry. And there was an argument, people shouting at each other. In the end, it took about 40 50 minutes to drag this man out. They had only hired the hall for one hour, so when silence was restored, this monk had about five minutes to talk about Buddhism. He couldn't say very much for this. One man in the audience was so inspired not by what the monk said, but what the monk didn't say. Through all those 45 minutes, he was being sneered at, harangued, criticized, slandered, put down throughout the whole time. The monk was just sitting there peacefully smiling. He wasn't allowing that ranting man to spoil his peace and happiness. When he saw that, he realized that's how you deal with criticism. What a inspiring example that is. It can be done. So if that's how one person can deal with criticism for 45 minutes being called evil, an agent of the devil, whatever it is, whatever unkind, unfair, harsh, biting, slanderous words. If you just sit there peacefully smiling, not allowing other people to control your happiness, that is a sign of a wise and compassionate person. That's what inspired him eventually to become a monk. So sometimes it's not what you say, but what you do. It shows the strength of your mind. You can do that too. But once you do that a few times, other people know it's a waste of time criticizing that person. It's a waste of time shouting at them. You're just wasting your breath. What a wonderful thing it is. One of the other stories. I don't know the last time I told this, but it fits in one of the other lovely stories with about this San, this Franciscan monk who was criticized by his superior because this is what happened. He was a very, very kind and generous monk from the Franciscan tradition in the time of Saint Francis, I believe, in the 1213 13th century of the common era. And one day he was going on arms round, just like our Buddhist monks do. We got arms round every Saturday, not just here in, uh, northern Mali, but also down in Armadale and in serpentine as well. It's wonderful, actually, to repeat these ancient traditions, which you'll see in Thailand, Sri Lanka, Burma. This monks in the morning going with their arms bows. We've been starting doing this in the town of Armada every Saturday morning. I mean, the other Saturday morning. It's beautiful to see. And just Western leaders, they come running out giving all sorts of stuff. People are generous. They're kind. And it's wonderful to have a reason to be kind. But anyway, um. Yeah, this, uh, Franciscan was going on his arms round, and this man just said, look, I'm more poor than you. Can you give me something? Can I have some money in this? Franciscan said I don't have any money. I'm just begging for food myself. And this poor man's. But I'm so poor, I've got nothing. This Franciscan said all I've got is my robe. The poor man said, that'll do. So you know holy people like monks. We're supposed to be kind and compassionate. And there was a person who had nothing at all. So the monk, out of great generosity, naturally just practicing what he preached to others, he gave him his robe. But that's all he had. Those people who wonder, what do monks wear underneath their robes? The answer is nothing. There's nothing under there. So this poor man was absolutely naked. And when he got back to his monastery, he tried to get her to say, get out of here. We don't allow crazy people in here. He said, I'm not a crazy person. I'm one of the monks. No, you're not, you're you're crazy going around naked. Who do you think you are? We don't allow perverts into our monastery. Is that I'm a monk? Don't you remember me on father this or brother that or whatever? And they recognized him. Oh. It's you. What happened? Did you get robbed? Did you get attacked? He said no, no. This poor man was incredibly poor man. He needed the robot, and I did, so I gave it to him. And how can you argue with that? So the monks thought, oh, well, you know, you're a real monk, a really good monk. And even though that happened to you, now we can understand. You're really compassionate. So they took him to the storeroom, gave him a new rope. Now, the trouble is, even with poor people, they've got their own grapevine. The word went around that this man was a soft touch. So the next day went out. Someone else. Oh, I'm so poor. I've got nothing. I've got nothing to say to Mark. Oh, you got your rope. That'll do. So he gave him throw a second time. He came back to the monastery a second time naked. Here he comes again. So they recognize him this time. Let him in and gave him another robe. But when it happened a third time, there's someone else the third time for his robe. He gave away a third time, and he came back. That was. He had to go to the Abbot's office. Look, you've been taken advantage of. You've only got so many robes in the storeroom. You can't keep on giving away all of our robes every day. We'd all be naked if you carry on like this. And the Abbot gave him a real scolding. Really criticized him heavily. And all the time this monk just put his head down. He didn't even try to defend himself against the criticism. He just waited for the abbot to finish. And the abbot really let him have it. Half an hour or now. I don't know how long it took. When the abbot really thought that he'd actually taught this monk a lesson. Because that's what people like to do scold and criticize. If you criticize your children, you want to make sure they learn the lesson. And so he took a whole hour, and after the abbot thought that I could learn the lesson, he sent them away. Half an hour later, the abbot was knocking on the Abbot store with a cup of hot soup, and I said, why you give me this? A cup of hot soup for? And the monks said, well, you were shouting at me for so long, I think you must have a sore throat. So this this is for your sore throat. And the point was, he wasn't being sarcastic. He really meant it all the time was being scolded. All this meant was sinking. And the poor abbot. You know, he must be getting really sore throat by now. And so as soon as he was released, he didn't think about himself and how he'd been abused unfairly. Just made a cup of hot soup for his abbot. So the moral of that story, if it's your husband kept shouting at you. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go and make him some hot soup. So, dear husband, this is for your sore throat. Another wonderful story. I like that story because that's like a month story. It's not my shower. So you just get him a cup of hot tea or get a hot soup or something. Not to throw over the head, but to to make sure they get a nice relief for their sore throat. So in other words, you don't allow criticism to control you. You have some compassion and so you can actually help the other person rather than getting upset about it. And so when we understand criticism that way criticism is never some which upsets us. It becomes a positive thing. We can actually learn something from this and we can actually learn some tolerance about criticism. One of the things which I found, uh, upsetting, uh, is that people become so intolerant to criticism these days. You can't say anything to anybody without them getting upset and suing you, or doing something even worse, or blowing you up. That's why I'm a bit concerned sometimes, you know, to tell any Muslim jokes. So I know a few, but I better not tell them on the internet. Or tell you in private afterwards. But sometimes criticism is important because in criticism we could have an argument together as friends get one of the, uh, beautiful developments which I have been part of over the last maybe ten years, is as well as actually being working very, very hard. So teaching Buddhism and meditation, not just in Australia but throughout the world, we've got this wonderful relationship with the only other monastery in sort of Western Australia, the Benedictine community, and you nausea. And we really are good friends. One of our monks, which is passing through about a year ago with a friend. And so as soon as the monks saw him, the Benedictine Catholic monks. Oh, you're one of the monks from, you know, serpentine. And they voted him in to stay the night there, because we know each other so well. The Benedictine monks come to our monastery at serpentine once a year for an afternoon. We go to their monastery once a year for an afternoon. Uh, last, um, I think it was August or September. We had the two abbots talk all day. You know, sir, myself and Abbot Placid of the Benedictine community. Talking together was very impressive. I think it was about next Thursday, I think. Yeah. Next Thursday I'm going to Church of Christ with one of their monks. Church of Christ. And I think it's in Danila. And one of the marks in Austria and myself are just talking of spirituality in a church of their Catholic, of Buddhists and a Church of Christ church talking about spirituality. It's wonderful to be able to do things like that totally to explore together. But we've been reaching out, telling about this relationship we've been developing over many, many years with a Benedictine monks of New Nursia were Catholics, and we're Buddhists is that we've got so friendly that now we can criticize each other. That's actually a sign of trust. We don't need just to try so hard not to offend each other as you do when you make friends for the first time. Yep. Now we can actually start to solve the hard questions where we disagree, where we differ. And I've found that one of the best parts of that relationship, we can be critical in the sort of in the context of almost like a mutual admiration society where we respect each other enough to know that whatever criticism is given is in the context of such friendship, they will never, ever destroy what we built up over so many years. And you find that if the criticism is based on this mutual trust and respect, we can have this positive way of pointing out differences, even mistakes of each other, and it doesn't affect our relationship at all. In fact, it enhances that relationship. When a husband and wife can be so trusting in their mutual respect and love for each other, they can criticize. We realize it's coming from the right place, not because we want to hurt the other person. We really want the relationship to get even better. It's not done out of ill will, or out of selfishness or out of pride. It's done out of real compassion because sometimes we have to do that. There's an output of a monastery teaching other monks. Sometimes you do need to take a monk aside and just to say, well, look, you know, you're not doing it right. Do it this way. But I try and do that only after we put it in the context of mutual respect, goodwill, that the motive really is compassion. It's amazing what you can receive when you know that other person is criticizing, criticizing you from such a beautiful, wonderful place. Some of the things which my teacher would say to us marks the way he would deal with us. Sometimes I wondered, how on earth would you take that? You wouldn't take that from any other person. Some of the criticism was actually really quite deep. You don't need to take that, because there was something about that teacher. You realize he really did have your best interests at heart. You understood the very profound level. He really did love you and he cared for you. Absolutely. And that's why he would criticize you and you would take it and you would never get upset. A wonderful thing to have built up such a relationship of trust and love and confidence in each other, that you could accept criticism. Hopefully that can happen in our society more and more. We realize the criticism is actually coming from a good place and it's very necessary. We need to get some feedback. But the feedback is always coming in the context of something much greater. I often compare the way that we can sometimes criticize each other at a monastery, or we can actually criticize each other with the Benedictine monks and the Buddhist monks about our different lifestyles. Sometimes I compare that to when I was a young man. I go with my friends to the pub, we'd have a few beers and we'd argue with each other. Sometimes that is really bitter arguments about little things. But then afterwards you say, okay, enough now my turn to buy the drinks. We'd always end with this beautiful friendship, because we know that the context of that argument and I still say you should go to the pub and argue, this is what I was before I was a Buddhist. Okay, I'm going to be very careful how someone criticized me. Actually, I'm probably telling people to go to the pub and argue breaking your precepts. But this was actually an ordinary life. You could have these arguments, you know, in a social gathering. And because it was with your friends. You'd know there was something more than that. Arguments. The friendship was greater and the friendship was so strong it allowed their arguments without in any way affecting your friendship. That degree of friendship, that degree of respect. I think that is what will allow mutual criticisms. And we won't really think that criticism is so terrible, so bad. I have to defend myself. I have to get my own back. I have to fight back. I point to this because sometimes we have that the effect of those Muslim cartoons, we have, uh, other religions being, um, smeared or slandered or criticized, and sometimes there is terrible backlashes and sometimes we want to how can we solve this problem? We can't just be so soft. We don't give any criticism to any religion or any race or any gender, because sometimes criticism is important. We can't be that sensitive. We never say anything in case we might hurt somebody. But then again, how can we get to that point where, like friends, we can point out maybe errors, possible mistakes, ways that we can become better people? How can we get to that place where Buddhists can tell a muslim, maybe you shouldn't do that. With our anger being generated or born again, Christian would tell a Buddhist, no, don't do it that way. You're doing it wrong. How can we listen to each other without getting upset, to be able to take that criticism in this positive way? I think the point is we have to develop that mutual respect and friendship first of all. That's also how you can take the criticism in a relationship. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Husband. Wife. Gay. Gay people. Whatever section of society you're in, we're always going to receive some degree of criticism and we're going to give criticism as well. And if it's done from the right place, it is very, very positive. How do we get to that right place? Confidence. Respect. Say confidence. That one area which I haven't actually mentioned when I said earlier, I skirted it and I said earlier, if somebody calls you an idiot or someone calls you foolish or ugly, the only reason why you get upset is you believe they may be right. When you're confident of who you are, you know who you are and why you do things and what somebody else says. It doesn't really affect you so much. If they call you stupid or idiotic, or they call you evil, or if you call you, uh, whatever. Please excuse me. It's very hard for me to come across a litany of negative words, because basically, I don't use them all that often. Certainly, certainly not sort of hard words which people say to each other. But if you have that confidence, you know exactly who you are and what you're doing, then of course, those words, they don't affect you at all. Whether one is in a gay community, whether one is in the a minority religious community or minority racial community. Once you have confidence, you know who you are. You respect your race, your religion, your gender, your sexual orientation. When you respect that and you're confident in it, you find other people say doesn't really matter. You know what you're doing and why you're doing it. In other people's criticism, this doesn't hardly matter at all, except when they get it right and say, hey, I can become a better gay. This way I can become a better sort of Aboriginal or whatever. I think this is how criticism can actually be productive. So to sum it up, whenever we receive criticism, remember that most of it comes from the negativity of other people. They're hurting, so don't take it seriously. It's their problem, not yours. Don't allow criticism to control your happiness. If someone calls you a dog, look at your bottom to see if you have got a tail. It might be right versus time it isn't so let it go. If you develop dispute disputes or a beautiful friendship and this trust in each other, build it up over the years so you respect each other. Realize that no one's in here to harm you. We're all here to sort of grow together so we can listen to each other. We can get to that stage where we can accept criticism, we can hear criticism, and it doesn't affect our relationships. It doesn't destroy this sense of me inside of me, you know, which wants to be loved or cared for. We have that already. So we can accept these little criticism, these little barbs, because they're positive, just like the monks at my monastery and the monks and, you know. And that way we can understand the meaning of criticism in this world. We don't avoid criticism or costs, which I find that happening more and more in our society. But we also know how to deal with criticism so it doesn't lead to wars and violence and the enmity and separations between people. Criticism is important in our world. We need to do that. It needs to be done the right way. If we could do that in the right way, from a sense of friendship and understanding, I think we can make a better world. We could also understand when we're criticized how to deal with that, and that way we can lessen the suffering in this world. We can get greater progress to make a better world for ourselves and for our kids. That's how to deal with criticism that ends at all. Now, are there any criticisms about today's talk? Any comments or feedback? Let's call it feedback. Any feedback about the talk about criticisms. Or any feedback? Anyone saw what I wrote in the. I is one of the back here at the paper. Oh, you're talking about that? Well, I wanted to go. In there. Um, and one, by the way. And who you are. You're not the only one. It was the great fool around here or around him. That, uh, statement that or I will, I believe, um, she will. Uh. One thing that can be done here. There was no need for you to get in there. And the man, uh. Do you think that the man was lying? Wait a minute. That didn't even bother you again. Yeah. Thank you for that question. Just for the sake of the the MP3 audio. You're saying that that monk in that story who was harassed, uh, verbally by the born again Christian for 45 minutes, he was, uh, protected. The other people in the audience who, obviously supportive, were arguing against the born again Christian. Would he be able to survive if he was just by himself? And I'm sure that we're not sure, but confident that he probably would have been able to survive. Because you can do that in public is being private is much easier. It's in public when your ego is challenged that people get the most reactive. If it's in private, it's not so bad, however, that, uh, certainly I've been harangued and harassed in my life as a monk, especially in the early years as a monk here in Western Australia. So it's not that hard to do with a positive training in life. And I think it's maybe the training which we have in Buddhism to say, you know, basically just if you give violence to violence or anger to anger, just the anger just keeps on going. So I think it's because the Buddhism is never justified violence, either in body or by speech, never, ever. There's never a reason for it. No justification at all. I think because of that, it's always encouraged us to say, well, there must be another way. I think we trained ourselves now to have less ego, less sense of self, more compassion for the other. And just like that Franciscan monk not thinking about, you know, why is he saying this to me? Just thinking about that. Poor Christian must have a very sore throat. I do hope that someone offered him a cup of soup as they laid him out. I think he would have done that. Of course, you never know. But he did it on that occasion, and that's just like an inspiration. That's why he got inspired by Buddhism. Not because of the theory. Because he saw it working. Wonderful, wonderful thing to do. To be harassed, but to be peaceful. Does that answer your question, sir? Okay. Any other questions while we're still here? No. Yeah. Go on. Yeah. Come on. Eddie. Right. Oh, yeah. That was actually, uh, maybe that's you praising me for a little article in the West Australian where because I saw another article and it was pointed out to me that, uh, there was a quite a severe deprecation of gay lifestyles. And I decided that there's never been in Buddhism. Before, and so I wanted to set the record straight that you can be a Buddhist and a gay. You are welcome. There's no discrimination whatsoever. And the main thing I said in the article was that it doesn't matter whether you're gay or whether you are heterosexual or whether you're celibate, like us monks is, how you do this is the most important. That's how you're gay. It's how you're heterosexual, it's how you're celibate, and one is not superior than the other. When the Buddha said, the third priest said, this is for those people who still have doubts. The third precept misconduct in sexuality is nothing to do with gay heterosexuals or celibate. It's whether you're harming someone else or harming yourself. And it's very clear to me I never had any. I was a heterosexual before I was a monk. So homosexuality is something very strange to me. Because I haven't got the personal experience. But now, as a teacher, there's many of my friends are gay and they're great friends. It's great to have them as friends. I value them immensely. And because of that, you've I've learnt over the years to say my mistake was just the conditioning I had as a youth. And because of that, these days, it doesn't matter what sexual orientation you are. Now the love compassion goes to all beings. It's not who you are, not what race, not what gender or not what age, not even what religion you are. As long as you're a good person, you're kind. You're compassionate. You're generous. That's all we see. Whether you're a white, black, yellow striped, homosexual, heterosexual, celibate, or somewhere in between, I don't care. It's how you do it. It's important. And that's actually the basic of ethics. So I just mentioned that in the in the article. It needed to be said. So as I wasn't being brave, I enjoyed doing that. Well, thank you, Eddie, anyway for that. It's not critical that, uh, that positive criticism. Yeah. Okay. I think that's probably enough now, is it? Yeah. Anyone else going now? Okay. If you have any more things to say, you can always come up afterwards and have a chat. Okay. Have space to put it on. Hanging out. Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah. What I want to know what they gave me. So I got off I go, I got out, fall down onto my sword. So part B part no I got what. Oh I want to sign for some kind of movie. Okay.